I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Let's paint friendship bongs
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
