just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
