He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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