The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
