Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
