Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
