She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
50% drunk capacity currently
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize