I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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