I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Of course I have a pirate flag
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
