think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Sext me about skeletons
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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