she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
