Michael Bay diarrhea
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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