she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
