I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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