WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
