Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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