apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
