Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize
