Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
We're like a lot better than the average bears
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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