I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
