if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
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