she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I love you. Go after that dick
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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