There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
