found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
