Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
