We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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