soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
