I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
