First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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