i just made my gag reflex go away.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
