Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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