God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
