when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
