I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Send help, water and tortillas.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
