I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
