I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
