if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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