If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
