never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
