i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We had to coat check the pizza.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
