are you so shy because you have an std?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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