then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize