Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
