his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
