If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
