a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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