it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
