Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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