I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
