I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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