a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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