Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
where are you?
Hypothermia
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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