M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
