The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
