i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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