I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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