didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize