You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
