She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
