Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i believe in u and ur pee
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