from now on my penis is your penis
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
