The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
