Will you blow on my dice?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
